How to Hold Space for Others - Part 2

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I’m on Day 15 of #quarantinelife and it’s been a journey. Time doesn’t seem to move in a straight line. Days blur together and the weeks are both fast and slow. I’ve found that setting up routines for myself and breaking them on occasion has helped. All through this, I’ve been learning new ways to hold space for myself.

Friends help too. Friends who show they care over chat groups, DM threads, and introvert Zoom calls. I owe a lot to my friends—ones who have shown me, even before this pandemic, what it is and how it is to hold space for others.

Today, I chat with Rina, who inspired me to come up with this blog series, only because she was one of the first people to ever show me what it is to be “held.” A Scorpio through and through, Rina seems to instinctively know when someone’s having a rough time, and she seems to know exactly what to say or do to help that person let it all out.

I remember the exact moment we became good friends. I was working reception at a yoga studio and she sat at the bench beside me and asked me how I was (we weren’t even close then!). Somehow, the floodgates opened and I let all the skeletons I’d been hiding loose. It was tough but cathartic, and I don’t think I could’ve done it with anyone else.

People who know how to hold space for others are there for people when they need to meet their shadows. And their timing is always magically perfect.

Rina applies this ability to hold space for others in a lot of ways—through her work as a travel consultant, her NeuroKinetic Therapy practice, and as a facilitator for yoga, functional movement, stress management and meditation. It’s also essential to her personal life, especially with friends and family.

I hope you learn something from our conversation :)

PM: When was the first time you encountered the term “holding space?”

RINA: I encountered it through the practice of Yin Yoga and Reiki healing after finishing my Vinyasa Flow TT (teacher training) the year before. I was looking for something closer to the heart that addressed my existential inquiries and personal needs.

PM: What do you wish people knew about holding space?

RINA: That it's about creating a space that allows a person to feel safe and strong, as they are allowed to be seen, heard and accepted for who they are and what they're going through. How languaging of acknowledging another person's plight and reality goes a long way. How much consideration of listening in both verbal and non-verbal communication it requires.

PM: Why is holding space crucial in your personal life?

RINA: It's crucial because it can be lifesaving, because people are not used to being able to express fully and truly what they really mean and want. When the inner muck is left unattended or suppressed, it creates so much suffering for anyone who feels inadequate, insecure and disconnected. The danger we live in now is that this discontent becomes unmanageable. It leaks out and causes more societal miscommunication and suffering.

PM: How has it made an impact on you?

RINA: There were two ladies who held space for me when I felt most bereft of confidence and support in my early years of teaching yoga. We sought each other out when the aggressive energy of the yoga business clashed with our values and threatened to drown our quiet, gentle voices. We shared what worked for each other and cleared the way to study other self-regulating, self-soothing styles of yoga and healing. Yes, it was an inner circle where we bitched and criticized things. But more importantly, there was a cheerful support of letting each other find our own way and a distinct void of competition amongst ourselves and others. I wouldn't do what I do and be who I am without these two letting me be me in all my quirks, anxiety, angst and despair. Physical proximity didn't factor as much in building this safe space as we were mostly talking online.

“Being held feels like being genuinely understood and appreciated for your existence. Your character and beliefs gain enough confidence to rise to the surface.”

Someone who doesn't know how to hold space can say many good things yet suck the air out of a room by not letting anyone speak, ask questions or request for clarifications. It is stifling when there's a lack of transparency, acknowledgment of others' presence and efforts.

Being a highly sensitive empath is no special talent, guys. It's mostly circumstantial conditioning and learned survival skills in my case. So the BS meter of who's around you to gain something out of you and who really wishes you well is always activated.

Rina occasionally posts exercises and sequences online. It’s been a reprieve for anyone needing to calm down and center themselves during this time. Follow her on Instagram to learn her unique POV and experience how she holds space for everyone. <3

Her recent IGTV video for She Talks Asia demonstrates how you can regulate yourself in a crisis—no yoga or meditation experience required.